Loving Someone with Depression: 5 Ways to Help 

Key Takeaways: 

• Depression is a medical mental health condition, not a personal failing or something caused by a partner, and it can deeply affect emotions, behavior, relationships, and daily functioning.

• Signs of depression vary by person and severity, but commonly include persistent sadness, withdrawal, sleep and appetite changes, fatigue, irritability, difficulty concentrating, and in severe cases, thoughts of self-harm.

• Depression is treatable, and most people improve with professional support such as therapy, medication, lifestyle changes, or a combination of these approaches.

• Loved ones play a crucial role by offering empathy, patience, practical support, education about depression, and help accessing professional treatment.

Question:  

How can I help a loved one with depression? 

Answer: 

Depression can significantly change how a person thinks, feels, and behaves, often making them appear distant, withdrawn, or unlike their usual self. It’s important to understand that depression is not caused by a partner or loved one, but is a medical mental health condition influenced by factors such as genetics, brain chemistry, life stressors, trauma, medical conditions, or substance use. Unlike normal sadness or grief, depression is persistent and interferes with daily life, relationships, and enjoyment of activities. Symptoms can range from low mood, fatigue, sleep and appetite changes, and social withdrawal to irritability, physical discomfort, and suicidal thoughts, and they may appear differently across genders and age groups. While some people hope depression will resolve on its own, untreated symptoms can worsen or return. Fortunately, depression is highly treatable, with most individuals responding well to professional care. Loved ones can make a meaningful difference by listening without judgment, offering practical help, encouraging small connections, learning about depression, and supporting access to treatment. With compassion, patience, and the right level of care—ranging from inpatient to outpatient and aftercare—recovery from depression is possible, and no one has to face it alone.

Introduction to Depression

When your husband, wife, or partner is dealing with depression, they may appear more distant or withdrawn than usual. You might begin feeling like their personality has changed, or that they’re pulling away from the special connection you share and the activities you once enjoyed together.  

It’s natural to feel uncertain that the change is a reflection of your relationship, or even to wonder if you did something wrong. Remember that depression isn’t caused by anything you did — and the truth is that your unconditional love can make a real difference in their lives. You may be wondering how to reach them, or how to show you care without worrying that you’ll push them away.  

Loving someone with depression means that you can show your support and be by their side to get them the help they need. Your presence in their life matters more than you might imagine.  

Keep reading on to learn more about how living with depression affects a loved one and some tips on what you can do. 

What Is Depression? 

It’s perfectly normal to feel sad, lonely or down from time to time. A breakup or divorce, job loss, losing a loved one or going through a rough patch are all normal phases of life. Given time to heal, we can learn to cope, move on and find a sense of normalcy and balance again.  

But it’s also important to understand that depression is different than normal feelings of sadness or grief. Depression, also known as major depressive disorder, is a medical condition and mental illness that can negatively affect how someone feels, thinks, acts and sees the world around them. It’s marked by persistent feelings of overwhelming sadness and a withdrawal from people and activities once loved — even during happy times.  

Depression is one of the most common mental health conditions, affecting 322 million people worldwide, according to the Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA). Some other noteworthy numbers point to the prevalence of depression and its impact:  

• Approximately 29%, or three in 10, adults have been diagnosed with depression in their lives, according to a recent Gallup poll. 

• Nearly 18% of adults in the U.S. are currently experiencing depression. 

• 36.7% of women, over one-third, have been diagnosed with depression in their lifetimes. 

• 20.4% of men have been diagnosed with depression in their lifetimes, a rate that’s risen twofold since 2017.  

The Gallup poll also noted that nearly four in 10 adults experience depression or anxiety or have a close friend or family member who struggles with it.  

The causes of depression can vary. Genetics and family history may play a significant role, as the Cleveland Clinic tells us that you may be three times as likely to develop the condition if you have a first-degree biological blood relative — like a parent or sibling — with depression.  

Depression may also be triggered by difficult life events (like divorce, trauma or the death of a loved one) or ongoing stress. Often, depression involves changes in brain chemistry that affect mood regulation (like imbalances in the neurotransmitters serotonin or dopamine, among others).  

Lastly, certain chronic medical conditions, like pain/neuropathy or diabetes, can lead to the development of depression, as well as certain medications and substance abuse that can worsen depressive symptoms.  

Depression can be diagnosed after an evaluation by a licensed mental health professional, like a counselor, therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. Meeting the standard for a depressive disorder means your symptoms must persist for most of the day on a daily basis, for longer than two weeks, and affect your day-to-day life, like work, school, relationships, and engagement in activities. 

What Are the Signs and Symptoms of Depression?   

Knowing if someone you love is suffering from depression can be challenging because the signs aren’t always obvious, and they don’t look the same in everyone. Depression can range from mild (often as a high-functioning grade of depression called smiling depression) to severe, crippling depression.  

Here are some common depressive symptoms to be mindful of: 

• Persistent sadness or emptiness: A low mood that lasts for most of the day, nearly every day. 

• Loss of interest or pleasure: A lack of interest in hobbies, activities or social gatherings that they once enjoyed. 

• Significant sleep changes: Insomnia, difficulty falling asleep or waking up during the night (with questions like “Why do I get sad at night?”, as their thoughts race in the quiet hours). Depression can also cause oversleeping (hypersomnia), leading to a state where depression can’t get out of bed becomes a literal, daily struggle. 

• Changes in appetite or weight: A noticeable decrease or increase in eating habits, resulting in weight loss or gain. 

• Fatigue and lack of energy: A chronic feeling of tiredness or exhaustion that isn’t relieved by rest. 

• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt: Harsh self-criticism or a distorted sense of blame for things that are not their fault. 

• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions: Trouble with memory, focus and indecisiveness over everyday choices. 

• Social withdrawal: Pulling away from friends and family, which can amplify feelings of isolation and the thought, “I have no one to talk to.” 

• Easily irritated or frustrated: Being easily annoyed, triggered or quick to anger over everyday matters. 

• Physical issues: Depression can exacerbate problems like headaches, stomachaches or sexual dysfunction, notes the Cleveland Clinic. 

• Thoughts of death or suicide: Johns Hopkins University notes that an estimated one out of five people with depression (20%) will attempt suicide at some point. Talk of self-harm or suicidal ideation from a loved one with major depression should always be taken seriously. 

How Does Depression Affect Men and Women?

According to the ADAA, studies show that depression can manifest itself differently depending on gender or life stage.

In men, depression often shows as anger, irritability or tiredness, and they may engage in more reckless behaviors like drug or alcohol abuse. They may also not understand if they have depression or deny seeking help. For women, sadness, worthlessness, and guilt are common inward signs of depression.  

The ADAA notes that in older adults, depression may manifest in more subtle ways, where they may be less likely to admit feelings of sadness or grief, or medical illnesses.